In "Defeating "Digs" and Personal Attacks" we spoke how critics will sometimes use subtle "digs" or verbally attack our work or character in order to make themselves look better by making us look worse.
The key, then, to defeating this behavior is to use your detractor’s need for a positive self-image to make him stop his verbal aggression. According to Dr. Aronson and coauthor Carol Tavris, PhD in Mistakes Were Made (but not by me), “When you do anything that harms someone else – get them in trouble, verbally abuse them or punch them out – a powerful new factor comes into play: the need to justify what you did.”
So, the one making an oral onslaught (however small or large) has to justify it in order to continue to feel good about himself. If he* cannot justify his behavior, he may experience significant cognitive dissonance (a form of emotional uneasiness). And according to Dr. Aronson and his coauthors, “Dissonance produces mental discomfort, ranging from minor pangs to deep anguish; people don’t rest easy until they find a way to reduce it.”
That’s another reason why retaliating doesn’t work. If you respond with a cutting remark or point out his flaws, your adversary will ignore his own unkind words and focus completely on what you said. Your reply will give him the justification he seeks. You will have let him off the emotional hook. He may, in fact, come to feel that you deserved his attack and will be more inclined towards another verbal assault in the future.
You can avoid all this by making it difficult or impossible for your opponent to justify what he did. How can you prevent a critic from justifying his negative words? A great way to do that was revealed by wise King Solomon, who wrote:
If the one hating you is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. For coals are what you are raking together upon his head…
Solomon here refers to early smelting techniques. Ancient metal workers would build a fire and then put iron ore on the hot coals, hoping to melt down the metal within. That procedure often worked. But if the iron was deep within the ore, more would be required. They would rake hot coals on top of the ore. The tremendous heat from above and below would usually melt the stubborn metal.
In the same way, if you respond to cutting remarks with kindness, you make it very hard for your adversary to justify his unkind words. He may feel significant dissonance or mental discomfort. His conscience may begin to bother him. His only way to get relief is to stop attacking you, soften his stance, or even apologize. Like an ancient metalworker, you will melt down his opposition. In addition, you will display great emotional strength. Bosses, coworkers, clients, friends and critics alike have to admire strength.
Changing a critic into a supporter
In fact, psychologists have found that people feel a strong need to repay the kindness shown them with thoughtfulness of their own. We learn from youth that favors must be appropriately reimbursed. When someone goes out of their way to do or say something nice, we often find ourselves compelled to do the same to them. Kind words and deeds beget more kind words and deeds.
This is where the human tendency to justify behavior can work in our favor. Researchers have often found that people validate their benevolent acts by increasing their liking for the recipient of their kindness. “After all, if an intelligent person like me did something nice for Jim, he must be a pretty good guy.” So, when our colleague appropriately repays our kindness, he will often come to like us more. Our humane words and actions can create what Drs. Aronson and Tavris call a “cycle of benevolence” that fosters good will and camaraderie with our peers and partners. If we consistently speak graciously with others, regardless of how they speak to us, we will often come to receive respect and kindness in return. Our work environment can become more enjoyable and productive, which will lead to greater rewards for all.
* While we speak of verbal aggressors as “he,” the principles here work well for anyone with a working conscience, male or female.